Yesterday I wrote about hope and how this is a risk. Many times I don't risk hope in my own life. I can hope for others all day long. It is my calling and my actual job! I am definitely thankful for that.
I see God, much of the time, as One who has His job and He has given me my job. I try to continue in relationship with Him while still not trying to bother Him too much with my job. It is a simple first-born way to look at the world. And, it is sinful.
This month, we did complete an insemination cycle. We found out this week that it didn't "take." We are, again, not pregnant. We have been not pregnant for over 7 years. This is just life and so I decided not to get hopeful. Until this month. So, now, I am just plain old sad. I'm not any more depressed than the next person, but I am really sad. When I didn't allow great amounts of hope, I didn't feel great amounts of sadness.
I haven't blogged on Thankful Thursday in quite some time. Oddly enough, I have been living the thankfulness rather than writing about it. (That is for real, not just metaphorically.) I am thankful for my pain because it is an indication that there was actual hope. What?! That is crazy, right? Only, not really.
Real relationship gets to happen when there is a place for hope to live. There was no true place for my personal relationships: God, Troy, et al. when there was no place for hope. I am going to try to keep that place open. It will hurt, I will feel sad, I will feel crazy sometimes. BUT THERE WILL BE PERSONAL HOPE!
I am so thankful that I am willing to be open to this process. If I truly love my family, my ministry partners, & my guys, which I do, I need to be open to living this. That is why I am thankful today. It is weird, but I am learning just how weird I am as I have more friends who are honest with me. (Thanks, I think, MR & RL!)
So, I covet your prayers and any encouragement you have in this area. Maybe you are farther along in this process and I long to hear what worked for you!
Beautifully written, Shiann. I am hopeful for you both as well. My heart goes out to you and I will continue to pray and believe that it will happen! I hope you understand what I mean when I say that your pain is beautiful. I know that, many times, beauty comes from ashes. Love you!AJ
ReplyDeleteShiann - I am sorry it didn't take. You know that I "really" know your sadness. I spent about 2 weeks after our first IVF crying, moping around, and sleeping anytime I could just not to think about it. One day Artie had had enough and told me point blank that it wasn't fair to anyone for me to be consumed with sadness. He was sad too, but with that sadness came strength. He got through a terrible disapointment only to hope for another try. Our 2nd try wasn't as emotional. I knew I would be ok and I was thankful I didn't have to go through it alone.
ReplyDeleteI think it is wonderful he have a husband that tells us what we need to hear sometimes and not just what we want to hear!Thanks for the encouragement. It is another bump in the road, not a baby bump, but a bump...sorry for the bad punning it is all that keeps me going some days!
ReplyDeleteI love you and am praying for you both!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love this post. You have a beautiful way with words, thank you for sharing. You are in my prayers. Love ya!! Kathy Reynolds
ReplyDeleteyour welcome, I think? I love your heart and you! You know my prayers frequently include you. The only time I don't think about it is when I'm praying for spiders not to bite my children and for snakes to never be around our house. Love ya!!!
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